Miss Discotheque

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So much has happened, but none of it is any of your business.

I've had good times but I can't be bothered to write about them. And I don't want to remember the bad times.

Also, come back please.

Totally addicted. Seriously. I have eaten lke...three boxes this week. YUM.

And I've still managed to loose a shitload of weight since he went away. srsly. I wore my sz6, 25inch waist shorts out last night and they were hanging off me. I'm dissapearing! :(

Karma is amazing.

Because, basically, you can talk shit about whoever you like, but at the end of the day, your life fucking sucks, and you know it, and everyone around you knows it (mostly because you never shut up about it), and it's you deserve every gutwrenching, selfhating second of having to live with the horrible world you've created for yourself. I wonder what that's like? To be so disgusting, inside and out, that no-one wants to be around you?

Oh and also, NEVER have children. Ever. That doesn't even bear thinking about. You got it right the first time.

Wow. Suddenly being me doesn't seem so bad after all :)

ah, valentines day. delightful

was taken out for dinner last night (we wanted to avoid tonights hoardes of couples gazing into each other's eyes over an all-you-can-eat chinese buffet) and i ate and ate until i thought i would aspolde. POP.

Then up early this morning to, ahem, exchange gifts (and cards with near identical handwritten sentiments - we are TOO cute. bleurgh)...and tonight, we're going with chris and nina to some over 21s late night thing at coral reef. i have no idea what this is, maybe it'll be some sort of underwater swingers club. that's fine, as long as i get to do it on the pirate ship.

ALSO

i know this will offend some people but i don't care.

IT IS VALENTINES DAY. deal with it. so what if you don't have a lover? i do, and i don't want to be made to feel guilty about that. i dont care if you think the whole thing is a ploy created by hallmark for commercial gain. i dont't drink, but i'd never stop anyone having a guiness on st paddys day.

did you ever stop to think that maybe people IN relationships are as sick of hearing your anti-valentines day crap as you are of hearing how loved up we are?

so why have only one set day where you express your love? because you whining cunts would be as miserable as sin if we did it every day. stop feeling sorry for yourself, and try and be happy for those people who are in loving relationships.

Now, I'm not the biggest Harry Potter fan in the world. Infact, I'd go so far as to say I dislike it

BUT



you would, wouldn't you?

This time last month, he was a storesman, stil living with his parents, driving a totalled Ford Escort and I was a shop assistant living in a room the size of a shoe-box...now we both wear suits to work, we live in the most amazing 3 bedroom house, and he's got a car his friends are jealous of...

It's all like a happy, fluffy dream. There's only one thing that could make this better, and trust me, I'm working on it!

x

I think the 'voyage of self-discovery' I set off on earlier this year has paid off. I have never been happier, or more comfortable with myself, or more...settled than I am now. I've had to make some big decsions this year, and there have been times where I've if I made the right choices, but now I know without a shadow of a doubt that I'm on the right path. Everything has worked out so well. There are big things to come for me in the (near?) future, scary things, but...I'm not scared. My confidence, and my positivity is at an all time high...and I know that everything is going to be A-OK

I don't mean this so sound contrite, or like I'm gloating, but...gosh, I'm just about ready to burst with good times. Get yr happy face out.


THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME

Here's to the future. As long as it's got you in it, I'm there

xxx

Fez = rubbish

BUT

Fez + Matt Boyle and Johnfold + Matt Boyle drinking all the beers + interpretive dance + JOfold + wobbly hands + best friends crew + clunge hands + £15's worth of chicken + gRAVEyards + broken coleslaw + photobooths + a million funnies = having fun at the Fez

Love it

x

</era>

Dear Croatia

Give him back plz

You suck

Love

The lonely one

x

Tip: If yr gonna break into a primary school on the way home from a night out, don't be surprised if a white van full of security guards turns up.

I wish the story had a funny ending like we got caught and they chased us, or we had to sneak past them, but no, we were absolutely oblivious, climbed back over the fence and walked straight past them...I don't think they even noticed. Phew.

Stealth. That's my middle name.

x

Just for a change...

I've had a pretty uneventful week, finished moving into the new house, been to the pub a few times etc, Fezzed on Monday with my lover Kate...nothing that good. Last night, I went to neither a BBQ OR Q. What is the world coming to?!

Last night was an odd one. We went out in London for Dunc's friends birthday. It was quite weird, usually I went massively overwhelmed by groups of ppl I don;t know, but I was ok in the pub, and then I knew loads of folk in the club anyway. Some girl came up to Dunc and, while he was talking to his friend, put her hand practically in his...for about 30 sec (he said he either didn't notice, or assumed it was me)...and then when he finally clocked her, she asked him if he had a lighter, even though he was the only one in the group not smoking, and his friend actually had a lighter in his hand...then she walked off without asking any of the others...yeah, right, it was a lighter you wanted. I wanted to fight her but he wouldn't let me. It's funny, I'm not posessive at all, but I'm hugley teritorial.

Anyway, that story is kind of ironic, because not long after that, I returned from a dance to find him rolling a cigarette. I was a little WTF, but I figured he must have been rolling if for someone else because...Duncan doesn't smoke...right? Hmph. I asked Merlin...'What is Dunc doing? Is he rolling a fag?'...to which Merlin replied...

'Yeah, I noticed that the other day, that he's been smoking more than usual recently...'

WHAAAAAAAAT?!

Just to be sure he wasn't winding me up (because it's not like my views on smoking aren't very, very obvious...) I kinda watched from a distance to see what happened...and he was actually smoking. I can't remember the last time I was so angry. I was literally shaking with rage, jonfold was trying to get me to breathe and count to ten but I just felt SICK with anger.

I'd like to point out that in NO way do I try and control people's lives, I'm not a mental, repressive girlf. But I refuse to kiss someone who tastes like an ashtray, who doesn't respect my wishes, and who thinks nothing of filling their body with cancer. To top it all off, NO-ONE lies to me and gets away with it.

It took a while for him to realise I was actaully pissed off, by which time I wouldn't even look at him. The stupid thing is, I KNEW I was over-reacting, but I still stand by it, I've made my opinions on it very clear in the past...and what's even worse is the lying. I found out he'd been smoking at Q...sneaking off to the toilets...the fact that he's been sneaking around proves he KNEW he was doing something wrong...I just felt really disappointed in him.

Once he realised he'd actually properly upset me, he couldn't apologise enough. I genuinely beleive he didn't realise how strongly i felt about it. After I calmed down enough to stop shouting and wondering how long it would take to walk back to Reading, we talked about it. I'm pretty sure everything is all good now, and I'm glad I didn't make any of the rash decsions that were running through my head at the time! It helped to see how ABSOLUTLEY gutted he was when he realised he'd fucked up...as sadistic as that sounds. It's so good to have someone who cares about me that much. And it led to some surprise revelations. So something good came of it afterall :)

So...temporary trouble in paradise...but it's nothing to worry about. Anyway, a little argument once in a while is healthy. It makes you realise some things you might have otherwise brushed off as stupidity.

In other news, have been talking to my Mum about a massive house party over in the French mansion next summer, I'm so excited, me and a group of friends, in the middle of nowhere for a week, with no neighbours and nothing to do but party! Beer is so cheap over there, the sun will be shining...it's going to be so, so good...

x

Jesus christ, how many spelling mistakes were there in that last post?! Sorry *blush*

Once again, it's a Saturday morning and I feel like dead. I went straight from work to 'bro, to ANOTHER FUCKING BBQ slash HOT TUB party (amazing)...I was the only girl 'brave' (?) enough to bring swimwear so that was cool, just chilled out in the awesome hot tub with some boys (ha)...it was pretty scary, they were wearing everything from tiny speedos to full on wetsuits. Strange lads. Three guesses what my one was in. Hmph. I guess if you've got it, flaunt it HAHAHAHA. Oh dear. They'd all been drinking since about 1pm, because it was Dayon's leaving-to-go-travelling party (they're all so fucking well-travelled. Sucks to be me), so were muchos wasted by the time I got there...Not everyone made it to Q, Joy and Rich went off to be sick and never came back, and Claire re-broke her foot (we think) but soldiered on anyway. Q was ok, it was a Xmas themed party (?!) but there were just loads of horrible girls in bikini tops. YUK. How is that Xmasy? Left Q super early (well, half 1) because I'm sick of feeling like shite on the busiest working day of the week...but ended up staying up til god knows when chatting about shit...things that needed to be said...I pretty much told him that when I met him I was determined to stay single, and that he was by no means the only 'man in my life', and I wanted to keep it that way and just...not be tied to anyone. Most people know that I split up with Gary to 'find myself' and be single, and while my recent actions really don't reflect that, getting a new boyfriend was NOT top of my agenda. In fact, I told him last night that once I realised I had 'feelings' for him, that I almost called it all off, but then I realised that I was being stupid, and you never know til you try. And he's anything but a 'rebound' (ahem...) Some things just happen beyond yr control though, huh?

Anyway, usually I get a lift into Reading on Saturday mornings, but I decided it's probably unfair to make him drive for an hour with a massive hangover, or still drunk, and tired, so I got the train, still wearing last nights clothes and make-up...pretty much drenched from the neck down in a combination of beer (not bears), sweat and Q scum (this time I had dirt patches on my feet from wearing T-Bar shoes), and stinking of cigs and booze, all bed hair and smudged eyeliner...needless to say, I looked FIT. And who sits next to me? Only my bloody manager. GUTTED. I had to apologise about a million times, protest that I WASN'T an alcoholic, and that I'd scrub up in the toilets before work. I needn't have bothered, today was the first Saturday of !!!THE SALE!!! (oooooh, aaaaah, etc) and I think I'm more hot and tired now than I was after a night of hard dancing at Q, broken air conditioning and all. What a way to make a living. No real need for the gym, I've got legs like a shire horse now.

That might be a lie. They aren't quite as hairy.

Also, I would like to apologise for being happy. I'm not sure why I should, or why I am, and I realise that this may come across as gloating, but I'd like to think that...maybe one day, other people will be happy for me, if they care about me at all. I was always honest about needing to be selfish, and maybe I'm being selfish now, and I'm sorry. But that's the way it is.

Oh, and please continue to bitch in my comments. I love it. DRAMA. Better than Big Brother

xxx

Another good weekend. Friday was the now-traditional after-work trek to F'bro for Quarrantine-y fun...I foolishly wore a white skirt and flip-flops...seeing as it's possibly the scummiest club in the world, this was a BAD idea. I got COVERED in bear, I had sludge tan-lies on my feet...Mayo managed to spill half a pint directly into my shoes...good work son. There are some fucking amazing pictures though, everyone was really REALLY drunk...it was the first time I've seen Duncan properly drunk...what a knobhead haha. Love it. I'll post some pics soon. For a small club they play wicked choons...we're talking all my best ones, from Refused to Le Tigre here. And they might let me DJ! Get in.

Saturday morning I made Dunc get up at 7am to drive me to work...I don't think either of us really felt human...sat in town drinking coffee and red bull and eating pastries before I had to start...ugh. At least he got to go home and sleep! I was going to go home Saturday afternoon but then we got invited to a BBQ so I went straight from work back to the -bronx (stopping at Primark on the way to buy clean pants, natch) for Forge's BBQ...my 4th in 2 weeks...and just chilled out in the garden, watching Zoolander and their bmx videos from when they went to Canada. Very impressive, esp to someone who can't even ride a bike!

Ended up sleeping in until 12 on Sunday, and spent the day with his family, his sister and her boyf (or husband? I don't even know), had dinner and stuuf, his Mum made me call my Dad to say happy Dad day haha. Awwww. There was a horrible awkward moment when Dunc when inside to do something and left me with the family, and they were asking me loads of questions, about my tattoos and stuff...yikes. I think I handled it pretty well though! ;)

After that we went down to the park, and I hung out, being a 'pro ho' (I think that's right...it's the nickname for bmx 'groupies' anyway) with Joy and Claire, two of the girls I know from Q. It was good, just had a bit of a bitch session, I got to learn some of the F'bro gossip haha. Awesome. Then we fed the ducks...they were TOO cute. Merlin got some pictures of me and Dunc by the lake, looking disgustingly coupley. YUK. I hate people taking photos of me unawares, I can't ruin them by gurning :( HAHAHAHA.

Went down the pub after that, stayed out till about 10 then he drove me home...So I was busy (and hadn't been home) since Friday morning. Yikes. Same clothes too. What a fitbag.

OH! And I'm moving house tonight. It's non stop around here!

x

I'm not going to lie and say everything is perfect right now. I'm not going to pretend I've never been happy before. But things are pretty damn good right now.

I hereby christen this the summer of The Great Outdoors. What? I HATE being outdoors. And I hate the sun. Hell, I hate anything that isn't sleeping or being on the internet, right? Looks like someones having a positive influence on me. Yikes.

Roll on an endless summer of skate park hangouts, aimless wandering, ant infested picnics, roadtrips, afternoon naps, BBQs a-plenty, the search for the perfect ice-cream, and plenty of good lovin'

Sigh. Life is sweet.

NB I wouldn't recommend going rock climbing over medieval ruins in a pair of girly canvas pumps, nosiree. My poor feet :(

I'm the worst updater ever...
I've been upto loads, but I can't seem to remember any of it. Had a week off work the other week, first half of it was super-chilled, just hung out in town loads, then on the Thursday, went to London for the day, caught up with some old friends, saw AFI (not gonna gush about that here, anyone who counts should already know it'd go without saying I'd have an wickedawesome time!). Then on the Friday the boy (I'm well aware he's not a 'boy' but I refeuse to refer to a significant other as anything else haha) took me to Portsmouth for the day, we walked along the beach and ate fish and chips and bought sticks of rock...absolute tourists. Love it. Saturday was back into London with Marko so he could get some more work done on his sleeve. It's looking good. Sunday was...interesting...I had my first taste of what it's like to be a bmx widow, I got to spend 5 hours sat in a skate park watching the boy and his friends ride around and jump off things...lucky me. Ha.

This week I have been mostly working, we spent the weekend at my parents house, which was cool, I'm getting on a lot better with them these days, had an awesome chat with my sister, who now has her first boyfriend...she met him at THE BUS STOP (how chav can you get?) and I dragged him to my childhood best friends 21st birthday party, which actually turned out to be a bit of a school reunion...out of my old group of friends, two are married, one's gay, one's having a baby, one's HAD a baby...I'm the only one who hasn't really changed. Is that depressing or reassuring? I don't know. Anyway the party was AMAZING, for all the wrong reasons, it was like something straight out of Phoenix Nights...all drunken uncles and little boys sliding around on their knees and the LEAST charismatic mobile DJ in the world. Duncan didn't beleive me that the majority of party classics have 'dance routines' (where was HE through the early 90's?!) and the look on his face when a load of middle aged women sat down in the middle of the floor and started doing 'ooops upside your head' was PRICELESS. Ha. It was full of Amandas family who have known me since I was 4...her Dad brought up the SG thing, which was even weirder than my own parents mentioning it, in a way. And her sister's littler sk8r boi boyfriend was 'dying to meet me' and then couldn't even make eye contact with me hahaha. WEIRD.

Anyway, back to work. Peace out kids

x

OK

I spoke too soon

I just got my ass kicked by a transit van. A transit van towing a caravan. A transit van towing a caravan which should have, by rights, and according to the paramedics/police, probably killed me, but instead only gave me a nicely mangled hand, a sprained ankle and a bruise the size of china on my butt.

Whoever you are up there, thank you.

x

365 days ago, I died.

Funny how, only a year later, I'm more full of life than I have ever been.

x

I've been trying to formulate a joural entry befitting of summing up the last 14 months, but I can't seem to find the words.

The one person who needs to know how I feel, does. The rest of you are just rubbernecking.

'We can never know what to want, because, living only one life, we can neither compare it to our previous existence, nor perfect it in our lives yet to come. There is no means of testing which decision is better, because there is no basis for comparison'

x